This blog will not be lasting much longer. If any longer. I’m not promoting it or anything. I am basically using it now as a diary.
How did that happen?
That was NOT the intention when I started it up; I chose a title that I thought was fine; wrote the “About” page and thought it was concise and “okay”.
And then it all went downhill. Stuff happened. Person in life just had to come and pick at me and pick at me again. Mean, cold-hearted people who want to bring you down in order to lift themselves up.
Ridiculous; when I’m my own person.
Yet, the stuff on my mind right now:
- I’m not sure how to get rid of this daily guilt. Its absolutely unendurable. You see, I literally sit all day long. I wake up, eat, sit and do mind-numbing work, snack, sit again, lunch, sit again, snack, sit, dinner, sit, snack, etc…there is one ONE brief, cold 30 minute bundled up slow, slow walk in there. The rest of the time is sleep and sit.
- I am so slow and sluggish. People say to exercise to boost the metabolism and make eating easier and to make sure not just eating and getting fat. But…its like I just …can’t. Impossible. Seriously. Like, people don’t understand what this body really, really FEELS like. It’s dead. It’s sluggish. When I rise from bed or a chair, when I walk around a grocery store, when I shower: I’m dead tired. My movements are so, severely slow…like their broken and slow…like every step is a labor.
- My iron levels are severely deficient, so I know that contributes. It definitely contributes to the weakness and shortness of breath, the spaciness I have all the time. But these iron levels are impossible to boost. I’m (oops) not even really taking the supplements because my “other’ issues are so severe, I don’t want to risk worsening them with iron.
- I am SO NOT vegan. Oh boy. No. Okay, I can sit and just eat a plate of carbs and fats , no problem. But, its also not unusual for me to have chicken – fish – meat at BOTH lunch and dinner (honest), along with multiple servings of dairy, and 2-3 whole eggs EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. IN. A. ROW. Seriously.
- I also eat a ton of fats…like MULTIPLE tablespoons of oils a day; full-fat dairy! (different kinds…and big servings too); NUTS; avocados all the time; gosh, I stir coconut oil into yogurt and pour it over potatoes, etc…
- I know everyone touts “lean” sources of protein; and I TRY my best to get the good kinds; but NOT always…I often buy chicken and do not trim the fat – I bought some recently that was not the “good” kind, but got it anyway, and I could taste and see such a difference; very buttery and fat; but really, that’s the stuff I grew up on…I just don’t care.
- I do feel guilt for eating a lot of carbs and grains (esp. if huge plates of them!) when all I do is sit, sit, sit. And I have them all the time.
- I always hear people say that eat more protein, less carbs at day carries on. I do not follow that rule. My carbs are ongoing from morning to night; and their huge at dinner (seriously) and before bed….I mean carbs before bed are actually the best, no? help you to fall asleep, etc….I mean even me…just sitting and sleeping literally all the time, I can have grains…not just the other stuff….trying to talk to myself here.
- I guess I feel a lot of guilt and hurt. When I think of some persons from my past..when I’ve told them about my situation: well their response is to “get a life” and to “die”….I don’t know why. These are people who have done a lot more to me mentally and physically than they can imagine.
It really, really hurts…and it intensifies the SHAME and the GUILT. Oh boy, does it ever, ever make me feel even more guilty and shamed. Imagine if I said that to them when all they did was sit and sit, and feel so physically – broken ….and eat so much and so differently….and the thing is that it is NOT just for 365 days….oh no, oh no….this is going to be a LONG LONG time…that might seem absurd…but, I don’t want to be too personal and say it out loud…but trust me, there’s a reason for that…this is going to be a LONG time of sitting only….I’ll feel blessed to one day ever be able to just walk and feel normal and maybe do something simple. Right now, a walk is short and its just so laborioius even. Enough. I guess.
Why is there no one like me? Why? It has been YEARS. I once talked to someone dealing with similair exhaustion and burnout fatigue and she said it was five years for her and much of it in bed….
So I hate seeing certain comments about people saying “going to workout” or “ what is your routine” or this or that….I need to disregard it…somehow, I TRULY need to focus on some kind of inner peace and ignore that stuff…it is tough, I don’t care how easy you think it is: until you are in that position, it is tough.
- I think if I could sleep in every day I would.
- My career is shot. Never more. Not sure what the future holds.
- I have all these dreams and hopes. But so unorganized and undirected. Because there are SO MANY things, you know? And the WORSE, is that I cannot concentrate on them. I do the sitting work all day; I prepare meals and snacks; I might go get a few errands in car if I have energy; I try to read a new novel I pick up from the library; and in the evening I just am so sleepy and have TV on for company…
- I wish I could make more elaborate, neat meals and snacks. But I have no room. I only have one little square for a counter space…so I put my grill up there, I have to put my kettle on the TV…and then I have no where to lay my plate to serve things on it cause the stove has all the pans on it because I have no storage space. I only have one cupboard, so if I get a plate, I first have to remove all the other dishes just to get that one.
- This could be all all wrong. I bet no one else would ever do this like I am …bet so.
- Thinking of a new blog….to totally avoid the people that just can’ t let me go…and somehow focus only on little “other” things…I wonder if I can do that….a title is so difficult to figure out.
- I wish I could get the fuzzies out of my brain…and wish I didn’t have to put so much time to all the work monotony all day because ….
I wish I could focus and make a PLAN for my future; but its like I’m all distracted, fuzzy, worn out, too encompassed with other things. For someone who ONLY sits and eats (literally), I put a LOT of time into my health…funny how that goes…
I guess it is true that you have to figure out your health first, then you can focus on life and work and stuff…
Okay..phew…out, its out.
I just wish I knew this was all right. Hard, when you’ve been told it is all wrong. When people look at you and with their capital letters think its bizarre and not natural.
And yet every day is like this. Others roll their eyes. Or think I’m doing it wrong. Or think I lie. But every day I live this. I can’t just turn an eye or forget it the next day. It is my life.
I need to be okay. I need to be okay. Because that will make me stronger. That will help me heal. Only by being really, really good. No matter what.