oh my — the shame

I feel so ashamed.

I eat way too much. And all the wrong things. And it is from early morning to late night. And overload. Day and night. I wake up next day to eat a monster breakfast that is not good…then continue with snacks and big meals again. And at night overload again…and not on things that most people do; I’m talking lots of stuff; carbs, calories, etc…

And wake up to do it again.

And….

I can’t exercise. I hate the word “can’t”…but I literally am unable (breathe) at this time (its been over 2 years and I have a long ways to go (breathe).

And I’m quite serious. Why do people not believe me when I say that?

I’m serious about that: All I do is ONE 30-minute walk a day. And its lazy. And its on sidewalks that are piled up to my knees in snow.

So, I sit. All the time. Sit all the time. Weekend and weekdays.

And worse? I have a bowel condition on the go. That means the big “C”, if you know what I mean. So, its all worse.

I have a long road ahead of me. I can’t think too far ahead. I have to think day by day…minute by minute instead. Because I have a loongg way to go. So, minute by minute instead. Must.

Other people are different. NO one gets this. No one. Most people eat, overeat, whatever,….wake up and go to a gym, jog, run, yoga, lift weights, etc…

I DO NOT…

so how would you deal?

Don’t tell me its easy; don’t think that it is; really understand that….REALLY think about it ….could you deal?

Must be more courageous. This is just a moment in time. Day to day, all I have to do is accept this. THat is all I have to do. Just accept it.

If you can walk, talk, breathe – if you have a couch – if you have some cash to buy a book or magazine – if you are living and breathing and able to physically function…treasure it.

I will be that way again someday. No matter how long it takes. I will.

I just need to somehow accept my continued screwups and my sedentarism and the bodily discomfort and changes…somehow, I need to accept that…and deal.

no joy

- Because I don’t check my google reader until at least 8 pm at night almost every day….while someone else might leave cherry, angelic comments on every post 2-3 times per day….but I’m lucky???

- Because I get paid by what I produce….and I don’t work my ass off?

- Because I literally make 1/4 of another person…or my past self.

- Because another has already robbed me of my physical abilities, my bowels, my body, my education, my finances…all I have left is my mind…and now she tries to take that …and make me fail to focus or concentrate….it is all i have left….if not be friends; then why on earth drag me down.

- Because I started this blog fine…another has a blog…I did not read or comment on it…I did not react or respond to ANY of the comments they left on other sites….but I write only 2 posts in; and she responds to all my harmless comments on other sites; and she comments on ALL my posts because she reads them.

- So now, I don’t even have this blog…it’s over…like she just cannot let a person have anything at all.

- because they don’t know that it is physical pain I am in…

- because they think I have a stand up or walking job…but I just hit snooze a few times in morning, roll out of bed, eat a lot, sit and sit and work all day and eat and sit and work all day long…literally…and in evening…sit again.

- because they don’t realize the arthritis, osteoporosis, bowel disease, torture.

- because they weigh MUCH less than me; but it doesn’t matter; it is TOO late for me; too late…I’m gone….they don’t understand…its not a one day thing….its like if a woman were 800 pounds overweight; she would have to go through complete bed rest and stabilization and focus on some kind of eating thing for a good LONG time; so no exercise for a LONG time; and experiencing bodily breakdown in meantime; NOT the same as me, but only thing I can think of.

- because I think of the Senator in the U.S. who was shot by the mentally ill person….and now she is undergoing rehab…and must learn to walk, talk, breathe, use bathroom again….and she has strength and encouragement and character…

- because the person who tells me i am stupid and should SHOULD feel guilty…just proves she is not worth it to me…she gets what she gives….things could have been different..money and dreams achieved initially together; but TOO late; I’ll NEVER do that again…

- because i remember begging her to leave me alone for years and years…and she would get angry and defensive and suspicious…and i spent evenings, mornings, nights in complete breakdown and EXHAUSTION…

- because she’ll never know what I went through those 4 months….

- because she’ll never know what i go through now…and never see how much i would appreciate advice or words of how to do this on a daily basis; same thing;

- because focusing on career this year is not in priority for me; its all about health; ironically, that means sitting and eating; but i don’t know if that is right, because doctors are all different and useless…maybe there is more…but i’m too afraid….

- because i eat extremely heavy, heavy meals very late, early morning and ALL day…and i mean heavy…like burgers with ketchup LATE at night just becuz…

- because i eat rice and tubs of dairy, blocks of dairy, big meat burgers at one meal, big fish portions at opposite meal, breakfast with a FULL belly, snacks undesired….it must be wrong: when another is same or LESS, but does it naturally, and actually MOVES during the day, actually can function and not move at snail-pace while taking a shower only…

- because this moon chair is all i have; but it is something…

- because i can TAKE NO JOY IN ANYTHING….SHE MUST BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT….i cannot leave HAPPY comments; I cannot bake and take nice pics; I cannot lounge on a chair or couch and watch a movie; i have no cafes or starbucks or culture…i cannot even MOVE….i SIT all the time…

she WILL Not let me have joy…no matter what blog i start, no matter what comment i make; i left her alone..and she jumped on me at first post; she tore me down to have it all for her her her…

if not a friend; then leave me alone; i physically ache, and now its so much guilt and shame, shame, shame

THIS BLOG IS OVER….i wish i could have a little something for me; it would be harmless; but when i even make absolutely harmless posts and comments, she FINDS something wrong with it…TAKES the JOY from it….like i’m not ALLOWED to have joy, not allowed to have a blog…not allowed to be or do anything….just like always…screw it…i have to close my eyes and just forget it all because its the only way to not let her drag me in more….my body and finances and career are evidence of what I”ve LET her do her me…silly me….stupid stupid stupid, shameful me…

no more.

i wish she really knew…i wish….this blog will be deleted and all emails also.

…game over….

This blog will not be lasting much longer. If any longer. I’m not promoting it or anything. I am basically using it now as a diary.

How did that happen?

That was NOT the intention when I started it up; I chose a title that I thought was fine; wrote the “About” page and thought it was concise and “okay”.

And then it all went downhill. Stuff happened. Person in life just had to come and pick at me and pick at me again. Mean, cold-hearted people who want to bring you down in order to lift themselves up.

Ridiculous; when I’m my own person.

Yet, the stuff on my mind right now:

- I’m not sure how to get rid of this daily guilt. Its absolutely unendurable. You see, I literally sit all day long. I wake up, eat, sit and do mind-numbing work, snack, sit again, lunch, sit again, snack, sit, dinner, sit, snack, etc…there is one ONE brief, cold 30 minute bundled up slow, slow walk in there. The rest of the time is sleep and sit.

- I am so slow and sluggish. People say to exercise to boost the metabolism and make eating easier and to make sure not just eating and getting fat. But…its like I just …can’t. Impossible. Seriously. Like, people don’t understand what this body really, really FEELS like. It’s dead. It’s sluggish. When I rise from bed or a chair, when I walk around a grocery store, when I shower: I’m dead tired. My movements are so, severely slow…like their broken and slow…like every step is a labor.

- My iron levels are severely deficient, so I know that contributes. It definitely contributes to the weakness and shortness of breath, the spaciness I have all the time. But these iron levels are impossible to boost. I’m (oops) not even really taking the supplements because my “other’ issues are so severe, I don’t want to risk worsening them with iron.

- I am SO NOT vegan. Oh boy. No. Okay, I can sit and just eat a plate of carbs and fats , no problem. But, its also not unusual for me to have chicken – fish – meat at BOTH lunch and dinner (honest), along with multiple servings of dairy, and 2-3 whole eggs EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. IN. A. ROW. Seriously.

- I also eat a ton of fats…like MULTIPLE tablespoons of oils a day; full-fat dairy! (different kinds…and big servings too); NUTS; avocados all the time; gosh, I stir coconut oil into yogurt and pour it over potatoes, etc…

- I know everyone touts “lean” sources of protein; and I TRY my best to get the good kinds; but NOT always…I often buy chicken and do not trim the fat – I bought some recently that was not the “good” kind, but got it anyway, and I could taste and see such a difference; very buttery and fat; but really, that’s the stuff I grew up on…I just don’t care.

- I do feel guilt for eating a lot of carbs and grains (esp. if huge plates of them!) when all I do is sit, sit, sit. And I have them all the time.

- I always hear people say that eat more protein, less carbs at day carries on. I do not follow that rule. My carbs are ongoing from morning to night; and their huge at dinner (seriously) and before bed….I mean carbs before bed are actually the best, no? help you to fall asleep, etc….I mean even me…just sitting and sleeping literally all the time, I can have grains…not just the other stuff….trying to talk to myself here.

- I guess I feel a lot of guilt and hurt. When I think of some persons from my past..when I’ve told them about my situation: well their response is to “get a life” and to “die”….I don’t know why. These are people who have done a lot more to me mentally and physically than they can imagine.

It really, really hurts…and it intensifies the SHAME and the GUILT. Oh boy, does it ever, ever make me feel even more guilty and shamed. Imagine if I said that to them when all they did was sit and sit, and feel so physically – broken ….and eat so much and so differently….and the thing is that it is NOT just for 365 days….oh no, oh no….this is going to be a LONG LONG time…that might seem absurd…but, I don’t want to be too personal and say it out loud…but trust me, there’s a reason for that…this is going to be a LONG time of sitting only….I’ll feel blessed to one day ever be able to just walk and feel normal and maybe do something simple. Right now, a walk is short and its just so laborioius even. Enough. I guess.

Why is there no one like me? Why? It has been YEARS. I once talked to someone dealing with similair exhaustion and burnout fatigue and she said it was five years for her and much of it in bed….

So I hate seeing certain comments about people saying “going to workout” or “ what is your routine” or this or that….I need to disregard it…somehow, I TRULY need to focus on some kind of inner peace and ignore that stuff…it is tough, I don’t care how easy you think it is: until you are in that position, it is tough.

- I think if I could sleep in every day I would.

- My career is shot. Never more. Not sure what the future holds.

- I have all these dreams and hopes. But so unorganized and undirected. Because there are SO MANY things, you know? And the WORSE, is that I cannot concentrate on them. I do the sitting work all day; I prepare meals and snacks; I might go get a few errands in car if I have energy; I try to read a new novel I pick up from the library; and in the evening I just am so sleepy and have TV on for company…

- I wish I could make more elaborate, neat meals and snacks. But I have no room. I only have one little square for a counter space…so I put my grill up there, I have to put my kettle on the TV…and then I have no where to lay my plate to serve things on it cause the stove has all the pans on it because I have no storage space. I only have one cupboard, so if I get a plate, I first have to remove all the other dishes just to get that one.

Sweet…

- This could be all all wrong. I bet no one else would ever do this like I am …bet so.

- Thinking of a new blog….to totally avoid the people that just can’ t let me go…and somehow focus only on little “other” things…I wonder if I can do that….a title is so difficult to figure out.

- I wish I could get the fuzzies out of my brain…and wish I didn’t have to put so much time to all the work monotony all day because ….

I wish I could focus and make a PLAN for my future; but its like I’m all distracted, fuzzy, worn out, too encompassed with other things. For someone who ONLY sits and eats (literally), I put a LOT of time into my health…funny how that goes…

I guess it is true that you have to figure out your health first, then you can focus on life and work and stuff…

Okay..phew…out, its out.

I just wish I knew this was all right. Hard, when you’ve been told it is all wrong. When people look at you and with their capital letters think its bizarre and not natural.

Maybe so.

And yet every day is like this. Others roll their eyes. Or think I’m doing it wrong. Or think I lie. But every day I live this. I can’t just turn an eye or forget it the next day. It is my life.

I need to be okay. I need to be okay. Because that will make me stronger. That will help me heal. Only by being really, really good. No matter what.

Randomness on the mind

I’m not sure what to write here. Not off to a great start.

Some stuff on my mind:

- I sleep in way too late

- I eat even when I am stuffed and I’m not sure that is helping.

- I quite seriously only take one 30 minute walk a day. And that would be okay if it were only for a month or two…but its not; its been 2 years and it will be another year at least (at least) considering the way things went and go.

- I feel guilty every day for that short 30 minute walk only. And worse? It is in winter boots on side walks piled high in snow.

- On the weekends, I get very little accomplished. Seems like I sleep and eat and just do a few errands. I do read as much as my mind will allow some focus; but still, its rather depressing knowing the work-week starts again and its same old monotous routine.

- I get paid only for the work I get done (hence why I cannot check google reader or relax during “work time”; when I eat, etc, I’m not getting paid. Two of the reports I did last week were wrong; so that means I’m down another $200.

- I make very little money. I make less than 1/2 in one hour than I did when I worked in my professional trade.

- My ankles swell up a lot. I spent last night in bed trying to fall asleep, but unable because I was trying to prop my foot up on towels and frozen vegetables to reduce the swelling. This is likely due to my lack of movement; I’m sure I do less than the recommended walking steps per day.

-I’m not sure I will continue this blog. I left an innocent, friendly comment on one blog; and my sister (another blogger) went and said false stuff about me. No reason. Why are people bullies? Its like they try to crowd you out and shout out “look at the nerdy kid everyone; don’t go to her blog, she’s a loser”…I don’t need that…she’s too stuck in her own selfish world. The stuff she has said and did to me and is so so so oblivious: I will never speak with her again. She’s fooled me way too many times; running to me when she has crisis and then dumping me. Why let negative forces in my life? Ridiculous. And worse? She doesn’t recognize it? Thinks she is the one being wronged or unfairly treated. Does she ever stop to realize people react to her? The way she treats others? You get what you give, right? I don’t want to wish ill will on anyone ever, never ever. So, I’m not going to get wrapped into those games anymore. I’ve done it for the last 5 years and the result? I can only walk and pretty much sit and eat like its a full-time job.

- I have profound guilt for eating grains. Grains are associated with exercise. Not with sitting and purposely eating. Rice, oats, baked goods, etc. I have them; I just feel immense guilt. Beside grains, I also eat a ton of potatoes, squash, and starches. I buy the real big potatoes; but I also buy the ones in bags. McCain’s has a grilled version of sweet potatoes fries now. Yep.

- Not a vegan. So far from it. Oddly, I’ve often felt guilty for that; seems silly. But, I’m not vegan. My dairy consumption alone is one thing.

- I eat fruit. Yes, I actually eat fruit. Sugar. Not just half a piece, not just 2 pieces. I eat it.

- I have lost my creativity. I need to refocus.

-I’ve really come to realize something about blogging: I don’t necessarily want to go around commenting on big blogs for exposure or this or that; there are different blogs I like; I am seriously thinking about starting a new blog that will seriously be for me. If I don’t write it for me, then what the hell is the point? Not to market, not to make friends or whatever. So, seriously just pick a random name and start something and comment only where I feel I learn or can contribute, etc. There’s more out there and more to me than just healthy living blogs connection.

- Healing is a journey. Commit myself in 2011 to healing. NO matter how slow. I am the turtle and that is okay. Crawl before you walk. Dedicated; forgetting the others that are brilliantly active; appreciate what I have and watch it grow.

A rare post for “re-focusing” again

Turn away from the things you don’t love and don’t give them feeling – they are fine as they are, but they have no place in your life

- Rhonda Byrne

Some days give you extra stumbles.

Some people act as triggers.

Ever have someone in your life that injects only negativity and ill-will? Someone who tells others that “(x) keeps doing (y) to me”. I mean, really? Someone has so much power over you that they can actually keep doing something to you?

Sometimes we see things in people’s words and actions in only the way we want to see them. If a person reacts negatively to me, I think it says far more about them than it does about me.

I’ve had someone in my life tell me that I am the fault for everything. Stunningly, I’m kind of lost on what I did. Instead, if I look at the situation closer, I realize the person is only playing role of victim to the world. Acting and choosing misery and then laying blame on everyone else. Because it is easier that way.

I don’t know why people try to kick others down. Makes them feel better?

If anything irritates me, it is people who act evil to some and then turn around with cheerleader sweetness and smiley-faces to others —its like something from a high school “Mean Girls” movie.

I mean, as recently as the last 6 months, I’ve had someone come to me in their co-dependent state and pull me under. Like an alcoholic who flocks to a lover or friend only when in desperation; and then kicks them down for all their worth when their back on their misery game.

Sometimes this trait extends; daughters develop it from fathers and don’t even recognize it. And then they play the role of thin-lipped, forsaken person who has been dealt unfairly by god and life.

Really?

It is so easy to lay blame. It is so easy to turn all your own insecurities around and see it in other people when it does not exist.

Life does not happen to you; it responds to you.

- Rhonda Byrne

I once asked an old family member to be a friend. No strings attached. I was willing to forgive (and boy, that says a lot…cause the hurt I’ve experienced is deep and leaves scars). Imagine if someone responded to you by telling you to “die”. That is worse-case scenario, right?

Sounds pretty awful. That person must have a lot of misery within their own self to actually and foolishly believe others could ever be responsible for them. Its going to be a pretty sad joke for that person when their 80 years old and crippled and alone, no?

Now, imagine that hearing this stuff gives you intense anxiety. Ever suffer with anxiety? For example, let’s say you’re a girl who has to stay on bed- or sitting-rest for about 5-6 months; and day in and out you are met with further negativity and ridiculous accusations. The anxiety can be profound.

That is when continuing to eat, continuing to rest, and turning on The Office can be of help.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.

- Gautama Buddha, Founder of Buddhism

Don’t feed what you don’t want. If someone keeps trying to squirm into your life, kindly continue to shut the door and move on. They do not recognize their craziness. Let negativity just bounce right off you.

If someone tries to tell you that you are worthless or the reason for bad things (silly concept), then shake their hand and thank them.

Thank them for showing you who you do not want to be. For encouraging you to be a better person.

This blog will not dwell on these things because in order to be at peace and receive good, you should only focus on good things. Just ignore the negative things. Don’t give them thought. Don’t get caught up in the craziness of others.

You are creating the story of your life, so what story are you telling?

Goat cheese fans?

I like cheese.

I like yogurt.

I’m not sure I should be eating it in the daily and nightly amounts that I do, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping me.

I recently tried a mozarella goat cheese and I like that too.

And so here is my novice (can you tell?) attempt at a photo shoot of goat cheese:

Goat cheese

Beauty shot, no?

Believe it or not that is half of a large pack of cheese. SO, my photography skills are lacking a tad bit…it looks so tiny here. Any one know of reasonably prices (i.e. cheap) cameras with easy  instructions?

Anyway, salty goat cheese + walnuts + grapes + carrots + any grain of your choosing make a terrific snack.

To clarify, I eat big snacks. A lot of them. As I’ve alluded to I’m currently in a very, very sedentary lifestyle, right or wrong…so I cannot pull a defense for this one.

Regardless, its cheese.

You like?

I see white…and more white

Well, I crane my neck up toward the tiny window in my basement apartment…and I see white.

Honestly, it could have been worse. No real wind or power outages. That’s always a good thing.

Nevertheless, when there is a lot of snow, this can only be positive for:

1) people that do not have to work and therefore get a “snow” day,

2) people who live in big, big houses…not basement apartments the size of Bart Simpson’s tree house….or something like this:

Still, today was no different than usual for me. A lot of sitting and a lot of …nothing. I hate saying that.

I have started 2011 off rather unproductive. Actually, I have stuff on my mind; and I worry about mentioning it because I do not intend to make it any kind of focus in this blog.  But just a brief note on it here to just get it out, why not?

My health has been poor for the past 3 years***. I am ashamed of that. Because I wonder what or if I could or should have tried harder; did something different; did something right?

A few years ago, I breathed exercise like I breathed air. Seriously.

My honest truth (I am devoted to honesty in life now): DAILY: 30 minute leisure walk (in winter boots in snow, a shuffle) + 15-30 mins of yoga occasionally during the week (beginner flow-relaxation tapes).

Yeah. The icing on this cake? I have a sit-down job. A computer job. And its all day and evenings and afternoons? More sitting (insert blushing face here).

Health comes first, right? Have to focus on myself, right? Still, I have this pressing regret and wonder at the past….and the current time. Is this right? Continues. Days to weeks, and weeks to months, etc. And still no better.

Well, I’m dedicated to make it better now. Unfortunately I don’t know how. So, I’m blindly and potentially doing it all wrong. All wrong.

I feel extremely alone in this. No one out there like me. Any one relate? Any thoughts? Bizarre?

Okay, I actually wrote a lot more on this – but lost it! I take that as a sign

Upcoming posts:

- nothing deep and depressing

- recipes and pics (I eat big!!!)

- books and stories talk

Finally, my blog name still is not “right” to me. Its not really me. Or too sweet sounding maybe. I wonder if it prevents me from my “style”? Is that possible? Since it kind of sets that “mood”? Or is it just a name — bound to change when I discover my true blogging “niche”?

*** author will not bore readers with details.