Randomness on the mind

I’m not sure what to write here. Not off to a great start.

Some stuff on my mind:

– I sleep in way too late

– I eat even when I am stuffed and I’m not sure that is helping.

– I quite seriously only take one 30 minute walk a day. And that would be okay if it were only for a month or two…but its not; its been 2 years and it will be another year at least (at least) considering the way things went and go.

– I feel guilty every day for that short 30 minute walk only. And worse? It is in winter boots on side walks piled high in snow.

– On the weekends, I get very little accomplished. Seems like I sleep and eat and just do a few errands. I do read as much as my mind will allow some focus; but still, its rather depressing knowing the work-week starts again and its same old monotous routine.

– I get paid only for the work I get done (hence why I cannot check google reader or relax during “work time”; when I eat, etc, I’m not getting paid. Two of the reports I did last week were wrong; so that means I’m down another $200.

– I make very little money. I make less than 1/2 in one hour than I did when I worked in my professional trade.

– My ankles swell up a lot. I spent last night in bed trying to fall asleep, but unable because I was trying to prop my foot up on towels and frozen vegetables to reduce the swelling. This is likely due to my lack of movement; I’m sure I do less than the recommended walking steps per day.

-I’m not sure I will continue this blog. I left an innocent, friendly comment on one blog; and my sister (another blogger) went and said false stuff about me. No reason. Why are people bullies? Its like they try to crowd you out and shout out “look at the nerdy kid everyone; don’t go to her blog, she’s a loser”…I don’t need that…she’s too stuck in her own selfish world. The stuff she has said and did to me and is so so so oblivious: I will never speak with her again. She’s fooled me way too many times; running to me when she has crisis and then dumping me. Why let negative forces in my life? Ridiculous. And worse? She doesn’t recognize it? Thinks she is the one being wronged or unfairly treated. Does she ever stop to realize people react to her? The way she treats others? You get what you give, right? I don’t want to wish ill will on anyone ever, never ever. So, I’m not going to get wrapped into those games anymore. I’ve done it for the last 5 years and the result? I can only walk and pretty much sit and eat like its a full-time job.

– I have profound guilt for eating grains. Grains are associated with exercise. Not with sitting and purposely eating. Rice, oats, baked goods, etc. I have them; I just feel immense guilt. Beside grains, I also eat a ton of potatoes, squash, and starches. I buy the real big potatoes; but I also buy the ones in bags. McCain’s has a grilled version of sweet potatoes fries now. Yep.

– Not a vegan. So far from it. Oddly, I’ve often felt guilty for that; seems silly. But, I’m not vegan. My dairy consumption alone is one thing.

– I eat fruit. Yes, I actually eat fruit. Sugar. Not just half a piece, not just 2 pieces. I eat it.

– I have lost my creativity. I need to refocus.

-I’ve really come to realize something about blogging: I don’t necessarily want to go around commenting on big blogs for exposure or this or that; there are different blogs I like; I am seriously thinking about starting a new blog that will seriously be for me. If I don’t write it for me, then what the hell is the point? Not to market, not to make friends or whatever. So, seriously just pick a random name and start something and comment only where I feel I learn or can contribute, etc. There’s more out there and more to me than just healthy living blogs connection.

– Healing is a journey. Commit myself in 2011 to healing. NO matter how slow. I am the turtle and that is okay. Crawl before you walk. Dedicated; forgetting the others that are brilliantly active; appreciate what I have and watch it grow.

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A rare post for “re-focusing” again

Turn away from the things you don’t love and don’t give them feeling – they are fine as they are, but they have no place in your life

– Rhonda Byrne

Some days give you extra stumbles.

Some people act as triggers.

Ever have someone in your life that injects only negativity and ill-will? Someone who tells others that “(x) keeps doing (y) to me”. I mean, really? Someone has so much power over you that they can actually keep doing something to you?

Sometimes we see things in people’s words and actions in only the way we want to see them. If a person reacts negatively to me, I think it says far more about them than it does about me.

I’ve had someone in my life tell me that I am the fault for everything. Stunningly, I’m kind of lost on what I did. Instead, if I look at the situation closer, I realize the person is only playing role of victim to the world. Acting and choosing misery and then laying blame on everyone else. Because it is easier that way.

I don’t know why people try to kick others down. Makes them feel better?

If anything irritates me, it is people who act evil to some and then turn around with cheerleader sweetness and smiley-faces to others —its like something from a high school “Mean Girls” movie.

I mean, as recently as the last 6 months, I’ve had someone come to me in their co-dependent state and pull me under. Like an alcoholic who flocks to a lover or friend only when in desperation; and then kicks them down for all their worth when their back on their misery game.

Sometimes this trait extends; daughters develop it from fathers and don’t even recognize it. And then they play the role of thin-lipped, forsaken person who has been dealt unfairly by god and life.

Really?

It is so easy to lay blame. It is so easy to turn all your own insecurities around and see it in other people when it does not exist.

Life does not happen to you; it responds to you.

– Rhonda Byrne

I once asked an old family member to be a friend. No strings attached. I was willing to forgive (and boy, that says a lot…cause the hurt I’ve experienced is deep and leaves scars). Imagine if someone responded to you by telling you to “die”. That is worse-case scenario, right?

Sounds pretty awful. That person must have a lot of misery within their own self to actually and foolishly believe others could ever be responsible for them. Its going to be a pretty sad joke for that person when their 80 years old and crippled and alone, no?

Now, imagine that hearing this stuff gives you intense anxiety. Ever suffer with anxiety? For example, let’s say you’re a girl who has to stay on bed- or sitting-rest for about 5-6 months; and day in and out you are met with further negativity and ridiculous accusations. The anxiety can be profound.

That is when continuing to eat, continuing to rest, and turning on The Office can be of help.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.

– Gautama Buddha, Founder of Buddhism

Don’t feed what you don’t want. If someone keeps trying to squirm into your life, kindly continue to shut the door and move on. They do not recognize their craziness. Let negativity just bounce right off you.

If someone tries to tell you that you are worthless or the reason for bad things (silly concept), then shake their hand and thank them.

Thank them for showing you who you do not want to be. For encouraging you to be a better person.

This blog will not dwell on these things because in order to be at peace and receive good, you should only focus on good things. Just ignore the negative things. Don’t give them thought. Don’t get caught up in the craziness of others.

You are creating the story of your life, so what story are you telling?

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Goat cheese fans?

I like cheese.

I like yogurt.

I’m not sure I should be eating it in the daily and nightly amounts that I do, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping me.

I recently tried a mozarella goat cheese and I like that too.

And so here is my novice (can you tell?) attempt at a photo shoot of goat cheese:

Goat cheese

Beauty shot, no?

Believe it or not that is half of a large pack of cheese. SO, my photography skills are lacking a tad bit…it looks so tiny here. Any one know of reasonably prices (i.e. cheap) cameras with easy  instructions?

Anyway, salty goat cheese + walnuts + grapes + carrots + any grain of your choosing make a terrific snack.

To clarify, I eat big snacks. A lot of them. As I’ve alluded to I’m currently in a very, very sedentary lifestyle, right or wrong…so I cannot pull a defense for this one.

Regardless, its cheese.

You like?

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